Once... Kindle å Hardcover

Once... Kindle å Hardcover

  • Hardcover
  • 384 pages
  • Once...
  • James Herbert
  • English
  • 09 September 2016
  • 9780765302854

10 thoughts on “Once...

  1. Edward Lorn Edward Lorn says:

    Boy oh boy this book is shit Fortunately it was a buddy read with my good friend Thomas Strömuist so I didn't have to suffer alone Funnily enough I asked Thomas if we could skip the book we'd initially agreed to read this month The Venus Complex because I wasn't in the mood for erotic horror Thomas had also mentioned wanting to read some James Herbert I decided on this book Why yes Virginia I am a fucking moronI was under the impression that James Herbert was a horror author that the man was known for his scary books involving rats and fog and other such horror trope y shit If Once is any taste of his horror chops I feel comfortable saying I've read terrifying Dr Seuss books I was in the mood for some gothic horror and I got a fairytale full of cliches and horrible and I mean fucking atrocious writing I was expecting evil imps and I got loads of porn that seemingly was written by a man child I don't mind sex in my horror novels I don't even mind blood and guts mixed with graphically detailed sex What I don't like reading about is actual porn If I wanted porn I'd watch porn If I wanted to read porn I'd hit up Kells and Shelbs for some for science recommendations Here lemme give you a list of the various sexual experiences found within these pagesA man stumbles across a little girl masturbating in the woods and becomes aroused If you're asking What the fuck? you damn well should be Our hero Thom first assumes that this undine human sized fairy is a child but even though she looks ten she still manages to give old Thom a raging fuck rod Somehow I'm supposed to be cool with a grown ass man being aroused by a masturbating child? Fuck this guy Goddamn pedo But wait It's cool because she's not really a child Oh oh oh Thank fucking Tom Cruise But wait Thom didn't know she wasn't a child when his meat javelin reached full stroke potential So yeah still fuck this guy Then we have a succubus sucking Thom's dinker and absconding with his man varnish Little demon fucker literally steals Thom's dry walling batter and runs off Cue chase scene wherein Thom tries to recover his dick yogurt This scene is goddamn hilarious but is written in such a way as to be taken seriously Fuck you Author ManThen we have a lesbian seduction scene involving a witch and Thom's physical therapist There is some inner thought from the PT gal that goes something to the tune of I'm not a lesbian But there was that one time in college HAHAHAHAHA Fuck you Book I've heard that exact line in actual lesbian porn For real Yes I have no shame I've watched many a porno and I know for a fact that such dialogue exists It's even a bad joke amongst my peers I don't do that but there was this one time in college Eat a dick HerbertNow we come get it? come wink wink nod nod to Thom and the undine fucking for the first time This is where all the inner juices repetition started Those two words are used over and over again time after time to describe both his and her fluids There's even a point where the author says that Thom felt his own wetness Now I understand Herbert meant Thom had some pre drip going on but that shit just sounds weird I swear to Pickleberry Jesus if I read the word juices again in a sexual context I'm going to torch whatever book I'm reading That word is now off limits Just like moist And then when dude fills up her cone with a load of his vanilla soft serve he sees Heaven and the very moment all of creation came to be bangs head in car door then stumbles back to the keyboard to finish reviewThen we have a boring BJ as done by the aforementioned witch to appease the guy she's scheming with Whatever The blowjob is one of those Only if I must kinda things Nothing even remotely titillating about it Why is it there? Because Herbert had gone five pages without talking about sex so he needed to rectify the issueFinally the book ends with porn as in the final fucking scene is a final fucking scene And yes SPOILERS but I don't care enough to hide them Thom has to fuck the undine backwards in time as if his dick is a goddamn De Lorean going 88mph What The actual Fuck? I've heard of figuratively fucking someone into the next century but this shit is literal He literally fucks her into the past And that's it That's the end After he busts his time travelling nut he strolls off into the goddamn horizon like the porno version of Rhett ButlerThere is one good scene in this entire novel and it involves spiders That shit was gross and unsettling and suishy and BAH Creeped me the fuck out But that's one scene in 460 pages In summation The entire plot is thin to the point of being nonexistent The sex is forced and horribly written The writing is plagued by repetition and I honestly haven't a clue how this man became so popular I hate to speak ill of the dead but it's not like Herbert's gonna care because well because he's this side of rotten at this point I hope he's getting that good good from Satan Final Judgment Fairy porn

  2. Thomas Strömquist Thomas Strömquist says:

    Oh gosh where to start? I'll admit to being entranced by the narrative for the first third of this and I really liked it that far Therefore I so much wanted to put something that a measly one star for the book Until I remembered that the two star rating on Goodreads is defined as it was ok Which made the one star rating a so called no brainer Following the admittedly well written and alluring intro this thing descended into a cesspool of fairy tale clichés and tasteless porn My initial fantasy of finding another read worthy 80's and 90's horror novelist turned to ashes in a few chapters The rest of this review will contain some kind of SPOILERS so if you are serious about reading this book with no prejudice I suggest you turn to my great buddy Edward Lorn's review instead Not that he hid his spoilers either but his review will bring much entertainment and literary value than this book and it may persuade you to give it a missFollowing the good if not very fast moving first third or so we are treated to some odd sexual tension scenes that seem mostly awkward After that we plunge head first into a impossibly long part where we're bounced between a lesbian lovemaking scene that seems very strange I'm no expert here but I did study anatomy and physiology and I don't think that is how it works or should be done And I do think the script writers of Orange is the New Black went nailed it instead of hanging their heads in shame like they probably always should Where was I? Oh right bounced between that and a fairytale Now I never found a fairytale story in an adult book that actually holds upand this is no exception There are fairies and witches and goblins and gnomes and whatever children know about them but forget as they get older Humans don't sense them since they are relying on what they can see and prove and not as they should crap that is totally improbable unverifiable and without logical reason to believe in We know better The elfish world is far advanced and better and finer and prettier and way powerful than the human world But the human way of life smothers the other world because reasons And if you thought you could fix that you can't because reasons And rules And magic Still here then? Well after the ping pong of explicit male oriented lesbian porn silly fairytale finally grows old the author ups the ante by switching the first story line first to some sort of SM abusive lesbian porn and then pure assault with sexual overtones while the fairy tale part turns to fairy porn The fairy porn is strange because it manages to be both explicit porn and since we suffered a big helping of insta love hearts beating as one and the cheesy like Apart from that the writing and editing gets continuously sloppier so much that I started to doubt the same author penned the first part Page 52 but there had always been something about spiders that had turned Thom's legs to jelly and sent his heart racing Page 335 It wasn't as if Thom had ever been afraid of spiders or any other Oh and the spider invasion? The guy's house fills up with spiders kind of scary imagery at first after what feels like a hundred pages not so much You know how you find out the number of spiders? You count the legs and divide by eight You'll have plenty of time And then it happens again I can'tTwo just in case anybody is still reading during the dramatic climatic events a mortally wounded man refuses to relax but must tell what's on his mind Do you know what kind? incredibly dramatic music in my head that is Can youcan you guess? CurtainLast one promise that was the moment when something else happened Something extraordinary Because all the other turning worst fears into physical manifestations fairies gnomes goblins murder betrayal and stuff is just same old same oldNo I won't even go into the ending Rest assured it did not redeem anythingWhat I will remember most about this book is the battle for his semen and the authors obsession with body fluids and their movement in general and oh of course the one with pubic hair the absence that is This is not a happy conclusion But I will also remember that I greatly enjoyed reading it with Edward which is always a special treat no matter the story and the marvelous if a tad smug support from friends foremost Shelby and Kelly we are waiting for your s̶a̶c̶r̶i̶f̶i̶c̶e̶ reviews

  3. Erin *Proud Book Hoarder* Erin *Proud Book Hoarder* says:

    Once is an adult fairy tale fantasy with bizarre sexual scenarios a nostalgic touch and gothic feel There’s a whole bunch going into this one The front of the book has stunning artwork for several pages too and the author clearly had fun breaking up the classic “Once upon a time” line between pages instead starting chapter one with “death” This is one of those books where you get the bigger impact reading the beginning in book form rather than electronicThe length is drawn out considering the storyline which doesn’t hold enough scenes and action to justify page count The writing style is beautifully done complimenting the nostalgic and fantasy feel of the protagonist I do wish less reflection had taken place where a shorter length would have minimized the ‘dragging on’ spicing it up a bitCharacter wise Thom is likeable with realistic dimensional coming back home after a serious health setback Hugo interested me because of his dysfunctional weaknesses and the villain turned out satisfyingly monstrous I do wish time had been spent about the grandfather The elves and creatures in the forest were fantastical and intriguing bringing the fairy tale element to life full force and I liked the revelations Thom learned about himself and what the future holds for the land Sexual scenes are surreal and fit perfectly into the story especially the erotic scene where he first encounters a main character It shifts to another disturbing seuence that I won’t spoil here but let’s just say that one ended up icky There’s a few sex scenes including two characters you wouldn’t suspect taking up nearly an entire chapter in lengthOverall the premise is good but there’s too much fluff to avoid getting bored sometimes Characters are worthy of reading about but you can only care so long in between something happening and characters ‘explaining things’ The finale with its flashy battle worked Pacing is too slow but the atmosphere is rich and enshrouded with gothic fantasy I expected perhaps some slimming down would have helped it but it’s a decent book that stands out as uniue

  4. Sam Fleming Sam Fleming says:

    The problem with Herbert is to my mind that he has always tended towards slasher fic than true horror Oh and the porn Dear gods The porn I mean I liked him when I was a teenager and still thought that Iron Maiden’s Eddie was just the coolest thing ever but as I grew older I came to realise that a chainsaw wielding maniac and some explicit passages about blow jobs do not a horrifying story make Once declared itself to be a fairy story of sorts I don’t know how it came to be on my shelf but I knew I hadn’t read it so I thought what the hellEither it was ghost written or my inner grammar goblin has grown hungrier as I've aged Spelling mistakes Grammar mistakes Punctuation mistakes uotation marks missing in the strangest places It was almost as if it had been written by Stewie from Family Guy with occasional help from uagmireLanguage issues aside I’m sure that the explicit sex in Herbert’s earlier work wasn’t so well gratuitous I don’t need 4 pages of our hero watching an undine masturbate Really Nor do I need almost an entire chapter describing how TEH EEEEBIL WITCH called a Wicca in this which I’m sure will delight all the Gardnerians in the audience conducts lesbian drug rape on the physiotherapist explicit example redactedNo no and no And lest we forget the entire plot resolves around the Messiah trope played absolutely straight and by the numbers Right down to being loved by the birds and bees and dear gods he’s a carpenter If that weren’t enough it’s explicitly stated that he is just like JesusThe prose is shoddy the story tedious the pseudo philosophical ramblings risible To put it simply this is one of those books that acts as discouragement to the aspiring writer because you realise that the only way you’ll ever be a bestselling author is to produce absolute dreck

  5. Dawn Dawn says:

    I adored this I listened to it on Audible so it took uite some time for me but it was so very good I must say I have not read anything like this from James Herbert It was not the typical horror I am accustomed to it is really a fantasy book with lots of fairies witches and the like It is also very sensual which I was not expecting either Totally worth the time if you get to read it I recommend it for sure it was a breath of fresh air and as always I love his writing style

  6. Shirley Revill Shirley Revill says:

    Really enjoyed this book Recommended

  7. Peter Chandler Peter Chandler says:

    It is impossible to shake the inescapable sense that this book must be labouring under some sort of Glamour Certainly all is very stylish upon the surface a great deal of artistry has gone into the cover its map and it's imagery and yet none of this can hide the gaping empty void where the actual story should be There are so many things that are bad about this book it's hard to choose where to start but I will begin by mentioning the general prose style and its habit of indulging in unnecessarily long sentences with lots of commas and subclauses of the kind that contain the most banal and obvious observations that are supposed to pass of insight and at times render the story confusingly unreadable Much like thatI've not read James Herbert before but I understand this book had been an effort to branch out from the usual fare of horror and chills into something broader and deeper Sadly though endless meandering sentences does no eual deep insights than awkwardly written sex euals expressions of human desires whilst a man meeting a bunch of fairies and wondering a bit whether it could be real is no kind of investigation into the nature of belief Perhaps ironically the only brief moment when I found the book did come to life was at one of the moments of straight horror featuring a bottomless jar of spiders The rest of the time the tale remains resolutely lifeless rendering almost comical its apparent pretensions to some deeper insights or truth Then there is the plot which when it does happen to come along in the last uarter of the book is of such dreadfully contrived and melodramatic proportions as might come out of some bad soap opera There is also the characterisation or perhaps that should be absence of characterisation This point is most particularly egregious when it comes to the actions of the women At no point is any attempt made to explain the origins of this book's female antagonist and scarce little mention of what lies behind the actions of any of the others All this renders then a somewhat unpleasantly stereotypical characterisation of women either devious and manipulative in the use of their sex or otherwise pure and innocent and beautiful when it suits this decidedly male fantasy for them to be Were the male hero so very dense yet occasionally inexplicably insightful I might yet be somewhat angry about itYet the aspect of this book that threatens to invoke my wrath even can be neatly summed up by the two points in the narrative when our ill defined hero is actually compared to the figure of Jesus The sheer breathtaking arrogance of this empty little book is truly awe inspiring I'm an atheist and still it makes me angry or would at least were it not uite so laughable I have wondered at times whether I have been too hard in my evaluation of an innocent and playful fantasy of witches and fairies and elves and then I remember no you actually thought your hero worthy of comparison to Jesus It's ridiclous if not hilarious not to mention pretentious arrogant tawdry empty not to mention the confusingly rambling prose with a somewhat unpleasant air of female objectivity and overall just bad Really very bad indeed

  8. Jean-Paul Jean-Paul says:

    James Herbert OnceI don't often get the opportunity to review a book which I really didn't like At least not since college and assigned reading lists I'm not beholden to others to do my reviews so I generally try to pick books which I think I'll like and I can stop reading if I don't like it Mostly though I do finish books once I start them and even on books that star off rocky I usually find something redeeming in their pagesAnd then we have Once by James Herbert I think it's usually a bad sign if ellipsis is part of the book title The cover looks promising silver fairies and foxes in entwined with thorny vines in front of what appears to be a castle and the words The International Bestseller emblazoned in red across the top Looks like a nice fantasy paper back What could go wrong?I could easily go into rant mode but I want to keep this review short as I really do not want to devote any of my time to thinking about this book than I already have while reading it Mr Herbert's grasp of the fantastic is akin to a day laborers grasp of Spackle He's seen it he's touched it he can probably put up something that looks like it if you give him time and the tools but in the end it won't pass the test of time and it's a poor veneer on a holeTo say I was disappointed with the prose of this book is to put it lightly The descriptions of fairies gnomes elves and fantastical beasts that populate the periphery of the magical forest our protagonist stumbles through are so mundane and matter of fact that any sense of wonder I might have possessed was wrung out of me like a damp dish ragI haven't even touched on the plot because there isn't much of one Your generic orphan boy grows up with a mysterious past and comes back to the home he left and the vague memories of magic that he had long denied You know the trope what he might be the heir to the fortune? What he might be party fairy himself? You don't say skip past the completely disappointing evil witchbitch villainess and fast forward to the completely pulled out of nowhere SPOILER TIME TRAVEL Dues Ex Machina and put a bow on it This thing is doneNot recommended

  9. David Brian David Brian says:

    I grew up reading James Herbert and I honestly consider myself a fan of his writing This was disappointingFirstly this isn't actually a horror story This in itself was not the problem as Mr Herbert has previously turned his hand from the horror genre with the excellent Fluke being a prime example of thisThe book is actually a fairy tale for the modern age Following his recovery from a serious stroke the irritatingly named Thom Kindred returns to his ancestral home within the grounds of Castle Bracken Thom hopes to reconnect with old friends and forgotten memories He does this but it comes with a costThom soon discovers that fairies are real and so too are other darker thingsThis wasn't a terrible book but it was padded with far too much descriptive prose and the sex scenes my God the sex scenes I'm not in any way opposed to people getting their rocks off in literature but this was littered with such scenes; it began to feel as though they were there purely as further paddingAlso the wicked witch of the piece is continually refereed to as a wiccan A strange word choice for the antagonistOverall not a bad book but not a great one either I'd recommend James Herbert to anyone who enjoys horror but I'd advise giving this one a miss

  10. Kenci Kenci says:

    Once by James Herbert was than a little disappointing Yes I had read other reviews first and they were all pretty consistent about this book sucking Yet I still hoped for The synopsis sounded great and I really liked James Herbert's Haunted And from the synopsis I was hoping for something like John Connolly's The Book of Lost Things or Neil Gaiman's Stardust Faery with some horror elements My expectations were set way too highThe story initially drew me in and had me uickly turning the pages but it wasn't long before the descriptions of Faery became tedious rather than magical The horror was gross rather than creepy But I think what irritated me the most and put me off was the unnecessary sex that did absolutely nothing to further the plot 300 pages in and I no longer cared about any of the characters; who lived or who diedSo if you are looking for some great dark fantasy and adult fairy tales skip this one and read instead John Connolly's The Book of Lost Things Neil Gaiman's Stardust Lord Dunsany's The King of Elfland's Daughter or any of the fairy tale collections edited by Ellen Datlow and Terri Windling Just to name a few

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Once...[Download] ✤ Once... By James Herbert – Larringtonlifecoaching.co.uk The International BestsellerFor Thom Kindred life is nothing spectacular A stroke victim Thom finds himself partially incapacitated and battling daily to regain control of his life Moved by haunting d The International BestsellerFor Thom Kindred life is nothing spectacular A stroke victim Thom finds himself partially incapacitated and battling daily to regain control of his life Moved by haunting dreams of his youth he travels back to the wooded land where he grew up to recuperate Surrounded by the comforts of Castle Bracken Thom plans to relive old forgotten memoriesBut Thom's return has stirred an ancient evil at Castle Bracken one cloaked in the guise of a friend His only chance for survival lies in a world that he no longer believes in International bestselling author James Herbert opens the door into a place of wonder and terrible danger; where the unexpected becomes the norm where the separation of dreams and nightmares is thin and where Once upon a time doesn't always lead to a happy ending.

About the Author: James Herbert

James Herbert was Britain's number one bestselling writer a position he held ever since publication of his first novel and one of the world's top writers of thrillerhorror fiction He was one of our greatest popular novelists whose books are sold in thirty three other languages including Russian and Chinese Widely imitated and hugely influential his novels have sold than million.